My Quiet Life My Quiet Life

public indecency

nipples

I know what you’re thinking. “Great, Chris has decided to start snapping pictures of girls with their headlights on and posting it to his blog. I knew he was creepy, but I mean geez.”

It’s not what you think – I’m going somewhere with this, I swear. Look closely at those nipples. They look pretty good, right? A nice healthy human pair of breasts in a natural state of nipple excitement, right? Well, not quite:

mannequin nipples

That’s right, it’s a mannequin. With nipples. In plain view! – of everyone! Anyone! Won’t someone please think of the children?! Here’s another one:

more mannequin nipples

Does this not strike anyone else as odd? I mean, I’m not opposed to it, though I do feel a little ashamed of myself when I’m faked-out into finding a hunk of plastic sexually attractive. I’m not making the indecency argument – I think the more nipples in public the better, really. But what purpose do the nipples on a mannequin actually serve? Is there a justification for it, or is it just “hey, free nipples”? Why are they there? The only justification I can think of is so that women can look at the shirt on a mannequin and think “Ah, so that’s what that shirt would look like on me if I weighed 90 pounds, had a 20 inch waist, didn’t wear a bra, and iced down my nipples before going out.” And perhaps that’s useful information, I don’t know.

It did give me an idea, however. Women have this sort of information at their disposal while shopping, but us men are left out in the cold with mere guess-work to guide our clothing purchases. “Those pants look good on that mannequin,” I often find myself thinking, “But I have no way of knowing how they look with a healthy semi-erect anatomically correct penis.

Not anymore! (Arguably not safe for work. Let your intuition guide you on how a mannequin with a giant penis ranks on your workplace’s obscenity tolerance.)

(P.S. Apologies to anyone that actually knows how to use photo-editing software, which I clearly don’t)

(P.P.S Also, before you ask, yes, making your girlfriend wait for you while you spend 5 minutes taking pictures of nipples on a mannequin in the mall is a good way to get dumped.)

UPDATE: I can’t believe I didn’t incorporate the word “mannequinipples” into this post even once.