nuts

Mixed nuts in order of tastiness:
(An authoritative, painstakingly-researched list that is full of facts)

• Pecans – unique for their inability to be consumed by themselves. Too overpowering. They have to be in mixed nuts to maximize relative deliciousness.
• Cashews
• Brazil Nuts – these are delicious and full of selenium, which is good for your prostate. But they are knocked down a few notches, because they used to be called “nigger toes”, and that’s just so weird and wrong. Also, Brazil is on the same continent as Venezeuela, which is run by a crazed brutal dictator (mental note: fact-check this), and we shouldn’t support terrorisms.
• Almonds
• Peanuts – although perhaps my favorite nut, they share the opposite property of pecans, wherein the combination with other nuts obliterates their tastiness.
• Filberts/Hazelnuts

  (You should throw these away, or at people you don’t like) *

* Filberts are not actually a nut at all. They are actually the testicles of a lower-level shit demon, and they taste about how that sounds. God made a bet with the devil when the devil claimed that humans would eat anything. God lost, obviously, but we’ve been eating them ever since.