My Quiet Life My Quiet Life

i quit shaving

I have quit the shaving game. I’m out. It’s been fun, but it’s not for me. Now, I don’t mean that I’m gonna go all hairy. I’m a metrosexual at heart, after all. I’m not gonna just let it all sprout like I’m workin at AT&T as a UNIX sysadmin or anything– you know the ones I mean, the guys that looked like they glued a chia pet to their chin and just let it go.. No, I’ve just realized that the proper approach to facial hair is all about gaming the system. See, back in the day [19th century – ed.], facial hair used to be the shit. Now, if you don’t have a face that’s as smooth as a baby’s bottom, you may as well flush your love life down the damn toilet. Well, fuck that, I say. This shit grows out of my face every day. It doesn’t stop. It’s not going anywhere. This isn’t a battle that’s worth fighting every day, and besides, I kinda like it.

So, I’ve realized, as I said before, that the answer lies in gaming the system. I don’t have to shave my face with a straight razor down to my baby-butt skin. I just have to maintain the illusion that I do. This is a socially acceptable place to be. It’s not okay if you look like you just woke up in a gutter after a 5-day bender in Tijuana. It is okay if you looked like you shaved a couple of days ago, even if you didn’t. So, I take a beard trimmer to my face periodically to trim down my stubble such that it passes for a 5-o’clock shadow. This is infinitely better for my skin than shaving with a straight razor, and it’s a hell of a lot faster.

Downsides:

  • People keep telling me that they “dig the beard I’m growing”, if I get lazy about it
  • Girls, how do you feel about kissing high-grit sandpaper? Hot, right? It’s like making out and free exfoliation

Upsides: I don’t look like a fifteen-year old with a bad case of acne after I shave and suffer through enough ingrown hairs and cuts that it looks like a lightbulb blew up in my face.