My Quiet Life My Quiet Life

top nerd fantasies

This is an impromptu list. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments:

  1. Light Saber fat kid with light saber
This one goes without saying. A sword that can cut through **anything** and yet weigh **nothing**?! Uh, yes please!! (Any Star Wars purists pointing out that lightsabers actually had weight and maneuverability penalties can suck it. It's called space fantasy for a reason. It's a *light* saber. It's light!!)

When I was little I used to spend hours daydreaming about owning a lightsaber. Now I've grown up and spend hours daydreaming about owning a lightsaber. </li> 

  * **Wolverine Claws** 
    <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/wolverine.jpg" width="210" height="306" alt="wolverine" />
    
    "Yes, I have retractable claws. So fuck you." I had a real hard time deciding on the ranking between Wolverine claws and a light saber. I decided the light saber gets top notch due to seniority. But my sentimental favorite is probably the claws. The reasons why one would want retractable claws do not need stating as they are blatantly obvious. They are a theme picked up in many other areas of pop fiction, including being a popular upgrade in [Shadowrun][1].
    
    Everyone knows that Wolverine is the only reason anyone ever gave a shit about the X-men anyway. Dude was a bad-ass. He could heal himself, and he had indestructible metal bones. But let's not fool ourselves. The main attraction was that he could pop 3 knives out of his hands at any moment. </li> 
    
      * **Being Invisible** 
        <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/invisible.jpg" width="160" height="122" alt="invisible man" />
        
        The reason for this one is obvious; pure and unabashed voyeurism. I know this is a popular fantasy, so I had to include it. It's one I've had myself, naturally, however. My mom gave me a copy of this book [Fade][2] for my birthday when I was like 15. It's about a kid that discovers he can turn himself invisible. I don't know if she realized this, but it also involves him spying on his friend having sex with his sister and his teacher having oral sex with a student. I don't remember if there was an overarching moral point to the story. Maybe there was one, and I missed it, because I was 15. But, it sure just seemed like poorly-written creepy voyeur tripe to me.
        
        But anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, being invisible would be cool. #3, definitely. </li> 
        
          * **Any Movie About Nerds Being Vindicated** 
            <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/realgenius.gif" width="132" height="143" alt="real genius" />
            
            This is a generic category but it needs to be mentioned.
            
            [Real Genius][3]: Nerds get even.  
            [War Games][4]: Nerd uses nerd skills to influence geopolitics.  
            [The Matrix][5]: Nerd wakes up at his computer (been there) only to discover he's a super bad-ass ninja avatar that totally learns kung-fu and it turns out he's humanity's only hope!! Jesus, you can practically hear the Wachowski brothers beating off when you summarize this plot.
            
            Anyways, you get the idea. </li> 
            
              * **The Force** 
                <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/theforce.jpg" width="140" height="176" alt="Luke retrieves his lightsaber using THE FORCE" />
                
                I know that this is the second STAR WARS entry, but what good is a light saber if you can't retrieve it when you're hung from the ceiling by your feet stuck in ice on the planet Hoth? I spent a lot of time in my younger days trying to use the force to move things or kill people. Eventually I gave up. It was around this time that my conversion to empiricism (the dark side?) was complete, and I rejected fantasies of both The Force and Christianity.
                
                The Matrix provoked a brief resurgence in which I spent some trying to bend spoons (after I woke up asleep at my computer), but it was to no avail. Turns out I was still just a nerd that fell asleep at his damn computer. </li> 
                
                  * UPDATE: At the suggestion of Doug (and one of my own, projected onto Doug), a few more:**Personal Jetpack**: 
                    <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/jetpack.jpg" width="115" height="163" alt="PERSONAL JETPACK!!!" />
                    
                    A [wise man once noted][6]:
                    
                    > I am sick and tired of waiting for the personal jet packs we were promised when we were growing up in the 60’s! All those black and white films I saw in school of what the future would be like INCLUDED PERSONAL JET PACKS! It’s 40 fucking years later and even our cars still require that WE STEER THEM (also a lie from those films about the future).
                    > 
                    > The only “big” invention of the future we’ve gotten so far is the fucking SEGWAY. It’s a SCOOTER, dude! We had scooters in the 60’s! “Ooh! You can stand on it!” You can stand on a fucking scooter too, ass! Yeah, but, it won’t fall over no matter what!” A scooter is only THREE INCHES FROM THE GROUND, dumbass. FALLING over was never like, my primary concern.
                    > 
                    > [hilarity excised]
                    > 
                    > PERSONAL JET PACK!!!!!!! 
                    
                    Indeed, my friend. PERSONAL JET PACK!!!!!!!!! </li> 
                    
                      * **The Teleporter** 
                        <img src="http://quietlife.net/images/teleport.gif" width="111" height="146" alt="bart is a fly" />
                        
                        This one is breaking my impromptu rule slightly, since I never *really* fantasized about teleportation until I sat in traffic while driving my own car, but even in childhood the idea did occur to me. Let's face it, I'm a lazy person, and I was a lazy kid. Why ride my bike when I could just *teleport* somewhere? And why bother eating food when I could just *teleport* pre-chewed and denatured sustinence directly into my stomach?
                        
                        Teleportation is the future. The only downside of course is the potential to get grafted with a pesky household pest like a fly or Bill O'Reilly. </li> </ol>